Without You I'm just a lump

We woke up this morning with a blanket of snow, more than just the dustings we have been getting randomly. Exciting! :) This however meant my energy level was low all day. All I wanted to do was have a grilled cheese and soup and sit on the couch under a blanket. But there is always work to do, isn't there?

In the afternoon, C and I ran to Starbucks to get out of the house for a minute and got into a spiritual chat (as we like to do). I started rambling about something that has since formed itself into a little metaphor in my brain that I feel like sharing.

There is this part of us as Christians that knows we are not in control. Yes, we make choices with our free will and Lord knows we make mistakes. But at the end of the day with many of these issues we hold in our hands (in our own minds) the anxiety we feel is self-imposed because we are not in control of the outcome.

I started thinking about the potter and the clay. What a beautiful and practical illustration that truly is! I took a ceramics class in college, and I was JUST AWFUL at it. Ha. I had fun with a friend of mine who was also in the class, but the only pot I had to show from that entire semester was misshapen and ugly. My mother still has it, but that is just because she loves me and didn't want to be mean. We both know the truth. I digress. God is the potter. He is more talented than we can ascertain at the artistry of throwing a pot. He knows how much water to put on the wheel to get the clay to the proper consistency. He knows when to mold and shape and smooth his hands on the outside of the clay to make it into the cylinder He desires it to be when it reaches its full potential.

So why then do we as the lump of clay try to help ourselves form something? What can a lump of clay do without the hands of the artist? It is just a lump of clay. It does not even have hands. It can't (no matter how hard it tries) will itself to turn into a beautiful creation.

I don't mean to say that we just sit here and wait for God to do something with us. We work with Him when we feel those powerful hands. But when we yell at the Artist, "No, it's ok--I've got this!" He must just look at us and think "No, you NEED me." Because we do.

M is for Moving

I'm tired of moving. I didn't do much of it for 16 years, but I've made up for that now in adulthood!

The Journey of Me.....

Small beginnings in Muncie, Indiana--only moved when I was 16 temporarily to my grandma's for a couple of years. Then to an apt (sort of) for a minute with my mom before college.

Then it was off to inhabit English Hall at Taylor University for the next 3 1/2 years!  Room 337 was the one I was in sophomore-senior years with a different roommate each year.  Good memories!

The summer after my sophomore year I spent a month living in beautiful Highlands, NC with my buddy Katy.

In 2001, I lived in Englewood, FL for the summer with my friend Jenn and her parents. It was a blast and I enjoyed the better (albeit sweaty!) weather!

In January of 2002 when I was done at TU, I moved to the big city of Atlanta to throw myself into adulthood. Luckily my sister already lived there, and I wasn't too terribly overwhelmed (ok, I pretty much was). We moved twice in Atlanta.

After 2 1/2 years in Atlanta, it was time to spread my wings and explore the mean streets of Hollywood. This proved to be the most substantial move thus far in my life. I grew up abundantly, got a great job (after some not so great ones) that I'm still doing, and went to more concerts than I knew what to do with. I moved 4 times in LA.

In June of 2010 I made the move to the east bay, about 45 minutes outside of San Francisco. It was a rough year and a half honestly. Arthur had his major surgeries (ka-ching, ka-ching!). I got into a groove working a ton as a nanny on top of my assistant work that I did remotely. All in all, it was exhausting! But, Cooper and I took the plunge and got engaged in May 2011 and married on 8/20/11 in Monterey, CA so good things definitely came out of moving to that area. We made some awesome friends (this means you, Joe and Jen!) who we miss already!

And now here we are. Sigh. In beautiful Bend, Oregon. I haven't felt this content in a very long time. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It feels like I am meant to be here with my guy and my dog. Our house is wonderful (thank God for skype!). We didn't even see it before we got here. Now, that is a RISK...but it worked out wonderfully. We are happy and thankful and easing into a new way of life as Oregonians.

And I hope to not move again for a long long long time. :)

A Current Affair

I have been thinking about friendship as I sit here on this plane heading to Chicago to see my girls for our weekend (obviously, I am not currently sitting on the plane...but this is what I wrote as I was...). I seem to think about this quite often and write about it too, I suppose. But I think friendship is one of the most important gifts we have been given in this life.

True intimacy in relationships doesn't just happen. It takes work...but it can be so incredibly rewarding. Personally, I won't settle for surface relationships. Life is too short to not share who you really are with those you care about.

Our first spring break trip together--1999! Ft Lauderdale, FL

The friends I am headed to see have known me since I was 19. What a difference a decade can make (ok, ok, a decade plus 2)! But what I have learned you HAVE to do to keep that solid connection is that you have to stay CURRENT. Talking about the past, reminiscing, etc. are great, don't get me wrong. But that alone isn't enough to maintain a friendship through the years. You have to know about each other's lives NOW. As people we change daily. Thinking your friends stay exactly the same is completely unrealistic. Look in the emotional mirror and then let your friends fill you in on how they've grown up too.

Moving around like I have, I have had to make new friends quite a bit. When I first moved to LA, it felt as if the people I was meeting played "hard to get." People seemed gun shy or hurt by past friendships and relationships. This made it so much harder to go deeper with people. But one thing being at TU taught me was that community is crucial to life. It makes sense that we protect our hearts, but not at the expense of getting to know people.

Singing Backstreet Boys with complete choreography is a blast. Quoting "10 Things I hate About you"...also fun. But so is just sitting around, getting my girls' input on things I am struggling with. I have friends that I desperately want to be close with, but maybe they don't know how good it can be to be open and share who you are. And that holds us back from really truly connecting. It makes me sad that some people I know haven't let themselves have friendships like the ones I am blessed to have.

All I can say is that it's worth it. Push yourself and realize life can be fulfilling when you have people who know the real you doing life alongside you (even if they are thousands of miles away). So thankful for my friends! Girls, you challenge me and love me. It's priceless to know that I have you in my life.

So, I got married...

and it was awesome! It was just what we pictured and what we wanted. Arthur did an incredible job as our ring bearer. I had no idea how he'd do on sand, but he was a natural! Everything was relaxed and romantic. This new chapter is full of excitement and possibilities, and I'm enjoying all of those feelings! <3

First dance to our song "Inside of Love" on the beach

For the love of music....
The rings :)

Monterey, CA made for a perfect back-drop

The BEST ringbearer ever

Happiness

Officially a family! Very happy about it! :)

fun story from tonight

So tonight, 3 year old E is trying to cram her feet into a pair of too-small cowboy boots while she watches Jeopardy before bed. We all need a pair of boots on for tv viewing in bed, right??

Anyway, she manages to get the left boot on somehow but tells me "My toes are like this" and curls her fist up into a ball. Ya, thought that might happen. She asks for my help getting the other boot on but we can't manage to get it past her ankle properly. Our conversation follows.

E: How old are you?

me: 31

E: When is your birthday?

me: Remember, it's 2 days after yours. February 15th.

E: Oh. how old will you be then?

me: 32

E: do you think when you turn 32 you will be able to get this boot on for me?

Ahhahahahaha. I laughed hysterically and she looked at me as if to say, "Well, do ya?" :)

A life gone too soon

Yesterday I got terrible news. My friend from growing up, Nettie Peterson, had been murdered. She was shot and killed in the early morning hours. I couldn't believe it. It began to sink in, and all day I was in a sort of daze. This is the type of thing you hear about...but is the type of thing you don't imagine happening to someone you know.

Nettie was the type of person everyone loved. And I'm not just saying that. Our school, HHCS, was small--I had a class of 24 and that was BIG. Everyone knew everyone and had for years. Nettie's laugh was infectious, and she was always smiling. People say flippantly "her smile could light up the room" but with Nettie that statement is completely true. Looking through her pictures on facebook yesterday, it was clear she always made it a point to put on a happy face. Her blue eyes sparkling and a big ol' grin on her face...that is how I will remember her.

I woke up at 5:23 am this morning and found myself wide awake for an hour just thinking about Nettie and praying for her family. Our family had 3 girls, me being the youngest; their family had 3 girls with Nettie as the youngest. In jr. high, I have some great memories from sleepovers and movie nights with her. We even fought over the same boy...she won. :) If a jr. high friendship can survive that, I think it can survive anything. I found myself remembering her handwriting from the illegal notes we would pass in school in the hallways between classes. She had such pretty cursive handwriting--almost perfectly formed. I'm sure I probably even have some of her notes at my Mom's apartment in Muncie.

In the early morning hours, I realized I was thankful for Facebook. It has made me feel part of a community rallying around the Petersons and Nettie's kids. Even from the east bay outside of San Francisco, I feel like I am a part of supporting this family hurting back in Muncie, IN. That is special. It also gave me the chance to see and feel like I "knew" Nettie's children even though I never met them. She was in love with being a mom. It was clear throughout every post, every statement of pride about those kids. She loved her family with an intensity few possess. As sisters, they were like peas in a pod. Even in adulthood when life gets busy, I know without a doubt that they were not just sisters, but best friends. I can't even imagine the hurt that Natalie and Nici are feeling...as well as their kids at this loss. Emptiness.

I was also able to be a part of Nettie's life these last few years even though I haven't lived in Muncie since Feb. 2002. About 6 months ago when she was going through her separation, I sent her a message, reaching out. I remembered when our family imploded--how people often didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything. It can be a very lonely time. I told Nettie that if she needed to chat at any time that I was there. We wrote back and forth a few times, but the gist of what she said was that she didn't feel alone because she had such a wonderful family. It was great to hear that!

It is so senseless. My mind doesn't even really know what to do with the news articles and details coming out. All I know to do is to pray for everyone involved that God would heal their hearts and comfort them. Absolutely everyone involved is hurting right now. I'm frustrated over the tiny detail that they keep calling her by her legal first name, Lisa, in all the news articles. It's just not her if you use that name. But I know that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is at peace. The hurt is for us here left behind. Even if you don't know them, please say a prayer over this situation. It cuts to the core for many many people.

Nettie, you will be missed by your HHCS community, your family, your work friends, and especially your children. But I am confident that your legacy will live on through them and that they will know that without a doubt, their mother was a strong, classy, funny, intelligent woman who loved them with all she had. So sorry you are gone, friend.

I love to laugh...ah ha ha ha!

A Cheerio smiley face--this is what I'm talking about

"I once knew a guy with a wooden leg named Smith"
"What's the name of his other leg??"


I really think that song in Mary Poppins had it right. Lately life has been a little heavy. It has been raining mucho. When I wake up and it's dark outside and then I walk out in the rain...oh Lordy, help me. Makes me want to curl up on the couch in a blanket with a cup of coffee and a good movie. But life goes on in the rain and in the sun.

I have been spending the majority of my awake hours with adorable children. And it is pretty much impossible to not spend a lot of that time laughing as we play with ridiculous toys (cue me thinking about a lady in a recording studio having to use such a sing-songy voice to sing "Old MacDonald" or whatever terrible song the toy plays) and crawl around the house. Imagination is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I played "wrong house". The premise of this is I knock on the door (to one of the rooms inside the house) and an adorable 3 year old girl answers. I ask for someone--yesterday it was "Ted." She says, "wrong house!" Isn't that enjoyable?? We played it for a long time. Ha. We also played "waitress." The highlight of that game was that my 3 year old waitress kept trying to stand on her head so it became a new game--"upside down waitress!" How can I stay gloomy when that is what my life is about? Ha.

Luckily also, I have a boy with a wild and vivid imagination that has pushed me to be much weirder and come up with very strange scenarios a lot of the time in conversation. Life may be heavy sometimes, but it is never never dull. :)