When my parents got divorced in 1996 no one talked to me about it. In a time when I needed people the most, I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was 16 with two older sisters who were living far away from home--one in Alabama in college at Auburn, and one in Mississippi working and living life. In the "perfectly" bubbled environment of church and school, I felt like I couldn't rock the boat. I don't blame my 16 and 15 year old friends for not knowing what to say. A bummed out 16 year old girl isn't all that easy to understand. But where were the adults in my life? When I was hurting deeply, I was more worried about making other people uncomfortable by talking about our "situation." In some of the most traumatic weeks of my life I sucked it up and rallied through as we moved out of our house I'd lived in my whole life and in with my grandma and uncle. My dad was getting help and learning how to deal with life. My mom was for the first time realizing she didn't know how to do a lot of things but she had to do them (much like Kate is doing now I suppose as she's trying new things with the kids that Jon always did for her). In our instance it had more to do with finances and life than with adventure.
It is just hard looking back. When I really should have had some counsel, I was helping those around me ignore the problem and look the other way. Our situation didn't fit in. It went against the grain. Honestly apart from my mom not teaching at HHCS anymore, I am not sure anyone would have noticed the depth of what we were dealing with. I believe I am stronger because of all of the crap. There is no other word for what we went through. Well there are a few other ones, but crap covers it more politely. In retrospect, I think I may have studied psychology in college because I was trying to understand myself and what should have been available to me at 16. Being at Taylor didn't make it all better. Parent's weekend was always tough. Many kids at Taylor seemed to live these ideal lives where their parents held hands and walked around campus with them. I still felt pretty different. But I discovered more about me.
Am I upset for the 8 kids affected by Jon and Kate's divorce? Of course. They're little victims in this. Small people without a say. Divorce stinks whether you are 2 or 20, 5 or 50. Whether you are the divorcee or the children affected by it. It hurts everyone in different ways. But one thing I learned through my experience is that we should reach out to those IN OUR LIVES...not just get riled up about those on our tvs. Especially living in LA, I see daily how media takes tv and movie and reality stars and picks them apart as quickly as it lifted them up into their "star" status. The mighty have fallen in this situation and guess what...they get higher ratings! Great (sarcasm). The kids are hopefully going to have someone to talk to about how they are feeling. Someone neutral with whom they feel comfortable being open and honest, but every kid affected by divorce should have that. This is a wake-up call to people. Marriage is being hit hard everywhere and for quite awhile it's been exploited on television. P.s. don't do a reality show if you want to stay together. I think that much has become pretty obvious.
I just wish everyone cared a little more about the attainable people right next to them who are hurting. I wish churches (I think progress has been made in this area since 1996) didn't shun those who didn't ever want divorce to happen but who were affected anyway. I wish counseling wasn't seen as a weakness but was instead encouraged. I wish people around us had embraced my mom instead of making her feel alone and different. A few years ago Mom and I were talking on the phone about marriage. I told her something that she still quotes me on today. I said "Getting married is easy. I could get married tomorrow. Staying married is the hard part, and that's why I'm not in any rush." Reach out. Help someone. It can be as easy as asking someone how they are or giving them a hug. Don't get so caught up with the couple in Pennsylvania who (let's be honest) you won't ever meet. Look around you in your real life. Be nice.
I think that's all my brain can handle right now.
2 comments:
I have no earthly idea why i clicked on the link which included a "Jon and Kate" reference. I had heard quite enough! Perhaps the word "hate" beckoned me on.
Anyway, enjoyed reading your thoughts and was provoked to respond. Namely, that i couldn't agree with you more.
The television culture today is sickening. I feel as though humanity is being cheated out of the depth and enrichment of true human relationships. Instead we vicariously live through these fabricated television personalities, which in fact we've invited into our homes. But what do we get for our hospitality? A cancerous vile box that sucks you in, numbs you, and takes just a little more each and every freaking night. I can't help think about Neil Postman's "Amusing ourselves to Death." All that to say, bravo for reminding us to get a life, and to embrace the lives of those who are really "real."
Secondly, i was touched by your recounting of your loss during high school. In march 2008 i lost my father to a 4 month battle with cancer. It all happened very quickly. I connected with your solitude in the midst of your pain. And i wanted you to know that i had felt something similar. I know circumstances are different. But loss is loss. Confusion is confusion. And getting cheated is getting cheated. Am i right? It sucks. Its lonely. Its indescribable. etc.
I just kept thinking to myself, "as anyone thinking about me right now." I hated how when people asked me about it they usually said, "how's your mom doing?" What about me! I had rallied around my mother, but who was rallying around me. Why didn't they care how i was?
Then, after a while, came the realization...THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL! And dammit, the lemons finally got made into lemonade. Or at least some sort of lemon drink:) I new that my job now was to be thankful, be honest about the past, and to move forward. And with that came a small amount of acceptance.
I know im rambling. just wanted to say hello, tell my story, and say thank you for including "jon and kate" + the word "hate" in your title. It made me click!
-From a HHCS friend, and a fellow blogger.
Good way to redirect all the junk with some common sense. I'm glad that you have coped well and feel better for it all.
I'd love to echo something you said about counseling (or therapy). It is NOT a sign of weakness at all. In fact, I am almost on a mission: EVERYBODY OUGHT TO GO TO COUNSELING!
Again, thanks for the frank discussion and the kind slap on the wrist for the tendency to avoid the real problems we're faced with regularly.
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