I am reading this book, and it has been a big eye-opener for me. I was taught many things as a child and young adult, but I was not taught that having boundaries isn't a bad thing. I think I viewed boundaries as closing yourself off, not being open, being unfriendly. Soooo not the case. In fact, I have done myself a severe disservice by not having the right boundaries in place with friends, family, and relationships over the years. Now as I'm older, I feel like I'm resetting myself and there is no quick reset button. But it feels good to learn about it. I recommend it to anyone who realizes they have unrealistic expectations in relationships or feel that they aren't getting their needs met. Maybe the other person has NO idea what those needs are. This is also written by Christian authors, so it comes from a Biblical viewpoint which I found to be helpful.
Had I known about all of this earlier (in high school, for instance), I do not think I would have stayed in such an unhealthy relationship. My ego was so busted (not good grammar, I know, but it fits) by the end of that relationship when I was 19 that it has only just now been rebuilt. Seeing what a healthy relationship is has allowed me to see how incredibly unhealthy that high school situation was. I saw my value in how "he" treated me--obviously I wasn't worth much. Oh how I wish I could hug my little high school self sometimes and say, "Move on! There is someone so much better for you out there." Instead I hung on fearfully trying to make it work for 3 1/2 years.
I also place these expectations on my friends. Sometimes "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" can bite you in the booty. It is not that doing things a certain way is bad....it is that those friends do not realize you expect certain things from them. Your example is not enough to get the identical response. We always tell kids who are whining or crying, "use your words!" Well, maybe we need to do that more as adults too.
One point made in the book struck a chord with me. I'm paraphrasing--In the process of setting up healthy boundaries, you may lose some people in your life. But you may also realize that those relationships were gone already.
To me that made me turn inward and reevaluate some of my friendships. As we get older and move further from one another (some of us---some of us stay put...me, I can't stay put), this gets harder. We can't just stop in or grab a cup of coffee together. Friendship takes effort. A phone call can make up for the months of months of not seeing one another. A call back could mean the world to someone. I understand that communication is a HUGE deal to me and is not to some people. If I don't make those needs known, then I am my own worst enemy.
So this is me challenging myself to spend the next few months (or years...we'll see) finding that reset button and only "settling" for healthy relationships. I shall be the master of my domain.
I recommend this book and would love to talk to anyone about it who has an interest.
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