The path that my life has taken amazes me sometimes. I was just a chubby faced (still kind of am...) kid growing up in Muncie, Indiana. I rode bikes, climbed trees at Emerson, swam at Catalina, and liked to dig in the dirt. Then I grew up. I played volleyball (not all that well), was a cheerleader (so I could go to all the games and actually see my boyfriend outside of school), and studied hard to keep my GPA perfect.
On "The Good Wife" the other night, Alan Cummings' character said to a high school girl "Enjoy these days--high school really is the best time of your life." I sooooooooo don't agree. I had fun in high school. But I would not trade the knowledge and experience of adulthood to go back in time to being that insecure, lost little girl in high school! I found my worth in other people (yikes!). I didn't think I deserved to be loved selflessly. I didn't realize the kind of relationship I should seek out but rather lost myself in that other person who could never fully love me the way that I needed.
When things got rough at home, I turned further inward. I escaped. I ran away from those emotions and fears and spent time with my best friend at her house. I didn't know how to express myself so I made jokes. People laughed. I felt better. But worse at the same time. Keeping up that mask takes a lot out of a person.
I stumble into my old journals sometimes and am always back, looking at high school Molly in the mirror as I read those words that I wrote. One day it said "I didn't cry today!" with a smiley face written after it. Wow. It was apparently a huge accomplishment to not shed tears for a 24 hour period. That part of life I don't remember clearly. I know that I was hurt by my relationship and by being different (having parents who weren't together anymore).
Now, life is different. In the past two years I've forcefully made myself stop being a doormat. It has been liberating! I still randomly have golden retriever tendencies where I want to make everyone happy and at the end of the day I feel defeated. But those days are few and far between now. Life is too short to be unhappy! I'm ridding my life of negativity. And that feels good...and positive. :)
